Upon reflection.

I will begin by saying how personal this blog post is to me and the strength I have needed to post it. Please read with an understanding heart.

 Being home I have the an opportunity to reflect upon my last semester of college. Three words have come to mind during my reflection. 
Adjustment. 

Stagnant. 

Hopeful.

Adjustment.

     College has been an adjustment for me. It is so much more different than I could have imagined in both good and bad ways. I have found that I have adjusted my time to fit my school and work schedules as well as making room for my social life. Unfortunately my time with Christ is where I have compromised. In a sense, I have been fitting Him in. Whether it was the extra half hour before bed with my flashlight, or the ten minutes of free time before my laundry was finished, instead of adjusting the busyness of life for Christ, I have adjusted my time with Christ for busyness. This in turn has led to the next word.

Stagnant.

     Where is my spiritual growth? Surely I haven't turned away from God. I've continued to read His word, have had deep conversation about his faithfulness, served Him through volunteering, and prayed before meals and bed. But yet, I feel farther away from Him than before I left for college. And why? I squeezed Him into my schedule and prided myself in this as if it was my own humble deeds. I've drowned in self-righteousness. And through it all I have been so loveless. Tonight my sister read 1 Corinthians 13. I realized what a case I have made for Paul's words. The chapter reads,

"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love."

      How little anything profits without love. And how little I have profited the Lord. Oh that I may change. Oh that I may learn to love well. Oh that I may be broken by my selfishness and desire to bring glory to Him alone. 

Hopeful.

     And yet, in all of my sin, I praise God for His grace and His mercies. Praise God, for He has given me the grace to recognize my self-righteous spirit. He has chosen by His sovereignty to reveal to me the darkness of my ways. Praise Him who forgives and desires to change my stagnant heart. "His love never fails." And because He has first loved me, may I now love Him and love others. I know that the Lord my God is faithful and that He will complete the work which He has started in me. (Philippians 1:1-11) And in this I have hope.