Dear Diary,

              I realize this is an awfully childish thing to do. To write in a diary... especially an online one, but despite that, for the sake all things girly and child-like here I go. Once again I'll say it:
Dear Diary,
               I wish that boys would grow up into men. They're all too young now. I'm impatient about them, I know, but still, can't they mature sooner? However, in the midst of this, what if there is one mature enough to suit me? What do I do about it? What if there is one I find that I like? What then? And what if he's the type that's "untouchable, like a distant diamond sky" you know, the Taylor Swift song kind? What if he's someone no one would even would think I thought of? What if he's prideful and unreachable, but wonderful all in the same? What if He's like Mr. Darcy, a complete opposite to me, the Elizabeth?  In the midst of all their pride and prejudice their relationship still worked, and marvelously so. But I guess that's just a book, an exception to love, not a rule for it. But what if... what if? I know it could never happen... I'm still not even sure about it, how could he ever be? Besides I'm leaving soon. Oh well, a guess a far fetched dream. Still, a dream nonetheless.

Someone to Watch Over Me.

Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet

He's the big affair I cannot forget

Only man I ever think of with regret

Through Sunshine and Starlight.

          Through sunshine and starlight? Yes. God is the ever present light in our life. Sometimes He seems to shine for us brightly and with exuberance that we can't even seem to fathom. Like a bright ray of sunlight. Other times it seems He's far away, life is dark and hard, but yet, even in those dark nights He's still the sparkling star that lights up the sky. But whatever light He shines in, He still is always there shining for us, giving us life, just as it states in John 1:4-5,

"In Him was life, and that life was the light of mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

            God's presence never leaves us. No matter what horrors and aversions overtake us, His eternal delight and adoration of our souls will continue on... and on... and on... So. I thought this was a revelation worth telling of. And therefore, I have remodeled my blog to take my stance. My life will continue to change and as it does, I thinks it only fair to let you all know what I'm feeling and what going through. Every few years this blog may change names or layouts, but thats only because my life continues to change. However, there will be one thing that stays the same. My love for Christ. I pray that He will always be preeminent in writing.

Sonet CXI.

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark 

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 

Within his bending sickle's compass come: 

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

   If this be error and upon me proved,

   I never writ, nor no man ever loved." 

~William Shakespeare

Just write.

           

          Today is a day where I all I can feel is heartfelt emotion. Where I walk down the halls narrating my life story within my head, as if I were writing a book. It probably is some kind of disorder this compulsive writing of mine. Writing, that is not simply words on paper, but rather continuous anecdotes that are spoken within my mind and heart. Every person is a character. There are no sides parts. Only lead roles. You see, we each have a story.
            We each have something far beneath us. Especially us "good church girls." Life can be unfair to us. We are deemed the perfectionist. The "church goer." The "pk's" of society. But beneath the church girl's mask of goodness, is a person, longing to be sought out as someone more than "nice" or "sweet" or "cute." We long to be seen as the passionate one. The mystery of the world. There is so much more to us than just a "good church girl." More fiery passion and jubilance. More character and intense love for Christ. More spirit and rapture. Search others. Look at us. Read us for who we are rather than our deemed impressions.

Alone with God.

I feel isolated. Alone.

            These were my thoughts for the past few nights. After being up late and working on homework for hours, I'd nestle into bed. My parents had already fallen into a deep sleep and it was then I'd feel utter loneliness. Usually I'd have my sister to sit in my room or talk to me while I worked but she's at college now. And silence has replaced her sweet spirit. So, far into the night I'd talk to God, feel his presence and yet still complain about being lonely. It was then I realized I that it was finally time I depended on Him alone. Why?

“If God is preparing you to make an impact on this world for His kingdom, chances are He will take you though a season of solitude. This is a season when you learn that you can’t lean upon anyone but Him for your confidence and when you gain the strength to stand alone even when no one stands with you.” (Leslie Ludy)

           Its beautiful how God reveals his purposes. He knew my of my loneliness and He didn't hesitate to share with me the reason for my solitude - so that I may know how to impact the world for Him when all I have is Him. I can't think of it as dreadful isolation, but rather a beautiful time alone with Christ. Its best explained by Henri Nouwen.

“The Desert Fathers did not think of solitude as being alone, but as being alone with God. They did not think of silence as not speaking, but as listening to God. Solitude and silence are the context within which prayer is practiced.”

Within my solitude, I shall listen to the calming voice of Christ. 

                                          I shall quieted by His love. 

                                                                              And warmed in His presence.

3 days. One love.

Once again, I'm back to a 3 day weekend. So what will I do with my time? Love my life away. Love Jesus. Love family. Love friends. Love Music. I'm in love... in love with life.